Welcome back!
This is the 3rd installation in the Mukuyu Grieving the Culture series. The series explores the relationship between spiral of grief (e.g. denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance) and the cultural competence (e.g. destructiveness, incapacity, competence, proficiency). As our world continues to witness and experience a climate and cultural polycrisis, this series honors the critical role of grief in cultural transformation. 
This installation focuses on the bargaining and depression points in the spiral of grief and their intersection with cultural incapacity – a more relative worldview that seeks to maintain the status quo. The status quo is normal. The norm is centered.
How many of you have been in a meeting where you set norms? Norms are shared agreements that help ensure the meeting is meaningful and productive. Think “One Mic” where one person speaks at a time. One agreement that has gained steam over the years is intentions and impact. This agreement acknowledges that good intention do not always result in a positive impact for the person(s) being spoken to.. “Your good intentions don’t excuse you from the harm.” I have noticed that when I experience the harms resulting from good intentions, I tend to try and bargaining my way out, extending grace to the graceless, and shrinking myself to try and fit their good intention. This mental gymnastics can then lead to isolation and depression. I am reminded are two unique yet related responses to grief.
United States history is cluttered with good intentions and horrible harms that resulted disproportionately to those will the least decision making power in our communities in the USA and around the world.. Take “Liberty and Justice for All.” A phrase I said out loud every day of my Virginia public school elementary education. I estimate that is about 1,350 times between Kindergarten and 5th grade. Embedded deep deep down inside me is every word of that phrase … liberty …. Justice …. All. Not for sum. Not for a specific racial or ethnic group. Not for a specific geographic region. To all … all the time.
Where Bargain Meets Compromise
As a Black, African American woman born and raised across the country, I am aware of the well intended, poorly delivered realities embedded into international, federal, state, county, and city level law. Whether its the 1820 Missouri Compromise used to maintain the balance of power between slave holding and non-slave holding states of the past, or promises of 40 Acres and a Mule on stolen, unceded Tribal land, the math has never mathed for those of us in the margins. The fact that the US government has never honored any of the treaties with Tribal Nations – never. This adds to the cognitive gymnastics to that can acknowledge lightness and darkness within the same institutions.
The goal posts continue to be just beyond the reach of those of us who intergenerationally await for the fruits of our free/underpaid labor, our parents free/underpaid labor, our great grandparents free labor, just out of arms reach. The intergenerational erasure of Black, African American history and contributions at the school district and state levels, the removal of images of Martin Luther King Jr. and other civil rights activists from a photo booth at the National Archives in favor of pictures of Richard Nixon, Elvis Presley, and other famous figures. The American Dream is gained one the backs of those who stories many are working hard to erase again.
‘Critical Race Theory’ by Jonathan Harris
Switching things around so you cannot orient is our country’s favorite M.O. This bait and switch approach served our elite founding fathers well. Our elite founding fathers built on the legacy of divide and conquer through enslavement, property, and citizenship.
Technically, forced labor ended in the United States in 1865 with the passage of the 13th Amendment. What the general public didn’t realize until much later was the clause, “except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States.” In her 13th Amendment documentary, Ava Devarney shed a light on this amendment and this disproportionate impact to Black African Americans and other marginalized populations. How are we – African Americans – only 14% of the population yet 40% of the prison population? The answer can be found not in our genes but in our political rules and customs that permit these inequities fueled by decision makers who are not representative of the communities they are elected to serve.
Another one I’ve been thinking about lately is naturalization. I assumed this legal process for those born outside of the USA to become a US citizen was permanent. I was this year’s old when I learned that it was reversible. The first naturalization act was in 1790. Needless to say, my ancestors were still enslaved so becoming a US citizen for them was never on the table. It was not until 1906 when de-naturalization was added to the act.
Where I’m Not Ok Meets Depression
After five decades of living the bait and switch, I am accepting that these feelings of fatigue, irritability, and self blame are actually signs of depression. As a Black woman, I have been conditioned to believe that we are superwomen. That we are meant to take the worst and make it into the best. That we are capable of whatever life throws our way and to complain is a weakness. That I must always be able to see the glass half full. However, as each decade of life passed by and the disconnect between values and practice widened, the darkness spread and the ability to see the glass even a quarter full began to wane. This is where I look to other parts of the spiral of grief including acceptance. It was necessary to accept that I was depressed. That I am depressed and that is ok.
I am grateful that science is meeting this moment.. A study led by researchers at NYU Rory Meyers College of Nursing and Columbia University School of Nursing found that “health care providers may miss depression symptoms in Black women, resulting in underdiagnosis and undertreatment,” said Nicole Perez, PhD, RN, a psychiatric-mental health nurse practitioner and postdoctoral associate at NYU Rory Meyers College of Nursing and the lead author of the study published in Nursing Research.
Cultural competence is necessary to differentiate diagnostic tools and procedures to meet people where they are – not the assimilated, narrow US version of personhood which tends to center White, cisgendered, males – formerly land owners.
Trying to Try: From Incapacity to Cultural Pre-Competence
While bargaining and depression swirl around the spiral of grief, their intersection with cultural Incapacity and pre-competence is quite intriguing. Incapacity is defined by an unwillingness to see beyond your own lived experience and others who have shared it with you. While incapacity centers denial, pre-competence acknowledges difference but still looks like Spanish 101 – an understanding of the basic rules but the application is uneven and incomplete. Pre-competence on the cultural competence continuum looks like diversity statements without any analysis or changes to organizational policies or procedures. Nice policies but limited action or accountability. My motto in 2024 has been …
“Training without accountability is violence.”
After designing and facilitating workshops on equity, diversity, and inclusion for over 20 years, I noticed a disturbing trend. The honeymoon phase where there is enthusiasm about the possibility for a fair, transparent, and meaningful organization shifts to an unwillingness to move beyond the way we have always done it.
If we want “liberty, and justice for all,” we must feel the feels and then apply the learnings. Take the deep dive not in analysis paralysis but changed behaviors reflected in revised policies and practices at the individual employee, group, department, and organization levels of change. The rationale provided for the resistance was the need for more time and information. There will never be enough time or information for people who do not want to share power. At the end of the day, equity is about power. Who has the power to make decisions, allocate resources, evaluate outcomes? Our cultural is shaped by the decisions that we make. There is also a paternal aspect to this phase of the cultural competence continuum. Knowing the ‘why’ and not the ‘how’ can lead to impulsive decisions.
How I Meet Grief with an Open Heart & Mind
Below are three go to activities that I reach out for frequently as I manage cognitive dissonance, double speak, gaslighting, and deception:
- Remember Who You Are – This one is gonna seem counterintuitive but … I reach for Dr. Tricia Hersey’s dissertation thesis inspiration, “Slave Testimonials.” While studying the lives of enslaved peoples, Dr. Hersey noticed a trend where enslaved peoples were never allowed to rest, read, or have any form of leisure. On my dark days, I flip through and read a letter from an enslaved person from the 17th and 18th century all the way up to the 1960s where broken promises and compromised principles reigned. These letters remind me of the intergenerational journey we are on and the hope these enslaved people had for our liberation. Her work evolved to the creation of the Nap Ministry. Rest is reparations is one of their mottos. Check out the website and latest offering, The Nap Ministry’s Rest Deck: 50 Practices to Resist Grind Culture (Cards).
- Forest Bathing – During the pandemic, I took an online forest bathing course. One of the activities was make a friend with a tree. The practice involves going to anywhere there are trees and walking around them until you feel called to get closer to one of them. Then you greet the tree and ask their permission to give them a hug. I tell you, I feel the response vibrating through my Earth integrated body every time. I have many tree friends that I visit during the dark times. I sit with them, leave offerings, smell the bark, taste the dried leaves, and savor the opportunity to play with visual perspective – close up to wide range. Acknowledge every color and where lightness meets shadow. Take my lead from Mama Earth has never steered me wrong.
- Morning Movement & Music – I love love love a good morning dance session. I put on a song that I know helps me recenter the love that is available all around me. One song on steady rotation is Optimistic by Sounds of Blackness. In 1995, I began my professional career with the Children’s Defense Fund Freedom Schools. Every morning of the weeklong training and every day of our summer program, we all – scholars, educators, staff, volunteers, community members – would dance and sing to this song. Even then, they knew the power of morning movement for the mind, body, and spirit.
My three may not be your three. I offer a few that really help me to inspire you to do the same for your self. Be curious. Go play! Treat yourself like a 5 year old. What would you do if they came to you saying and doing what you do to others? Would you chastise them or give them a hug? We are adult children still parenting wounds and unresolved trauma from the past and the present. Act accordingly.
Lastly, ask for HELP! There is no way around it. Another favorite saying I center is from the Nature and Science Museum at the Smithsonian. “In nature, you are never alone.” Alone is an illusion we must confront with courage. Our future lies in our ability to work collaborative. Our future lies our capacity to move from the ‘I’ to the ‘We.’
Missed the previous blogs? We got you!
- Part I: Grieving the Culture: Saving Humanity One Tear at a Time
- Part II: Grieving the Culture: Anger, Denial, and Depression
We will be wrapping up this series while honoring the 7 principles of Kwanzaa! The series concludes with an exploration of cultural competence and cultural proficiency at the intersection of acceptance. We will honor the iterative, nonlinear spiral of grief and provide more tools and strategies as we head into T2 in 2025.
